Can't breath!!!!

As I watched some of the 9/11 Ten Years Later, I couldn't figure out how those victims could breath with all that dust.  I never thought about the toxic fumes and what the lasting affects would do to people.  This was hard to watch, but it is my living history and if the first responders could experience that horrific event, I surely and doubtly would be able to watch it and count my blessings.  I was so wrapped up in fear, the hours and days following the 9/11 attach, I never followed up with how it affected others...... shame on me. 

As I watched the special and 20/20,  I did think about how I could relate.  Lately when I go to work, I find it hard to breath with all the work and lack of brain power to balance, prioritize and finally fix all the issues that come across my desk.  I feel guilty comparing myself to those victims, but that is how I feel.  Whether right, wrong, or indifferent, I carry the weight of the district on my shoulders.  When I am in the middle of a task, report, or request that I am seriously lacking the brain cells for, I find myself literally crippled.  It is a chore to drag myself out of bed daily and then into a job (I am thankful for), put a smile on my face and pretend to enjoy.  The last months I spend more time pretending than actually experiencing enjoyment at my job.  I have such a huge investment in my "pension" if it is still there by then, I feel so trapped.  Ron and I are relying on that pension to live one day.  I can't bail on it now because I am struggling.

I feel trapped sometimes by the elements in my life.  When I rationalize it all I realize that all if it my own fault because I am a caring and giving person therefore I obligate too much of myself to work and family.  How do I remain professional and loving, and still take care of me?  There is so much I would love to experience and do, but by the time I get home from an exhausting day at work and get everyone fed, I am of no use to myself.  I pray all the time for more energy to be better and do better, but it ain't happening. 

I know I am blessed and I count those blessings every night when I lay my head on my pillow, but sometimes........... I feel like I am only counting, not exactly experiencing them. 

I don't devote enough time to my parents, I never see my siblings, and never engage in friendship.  Heaven only knows what is wrong with me, but I just can not fit it in.   Any tips or tricks to how you balance life would be so much appreicated.

Namaste
Jam Jam